Transformation

I can almost feel a settle change within me. I started feeling it earlier today but can't explain it other than by this; it seems that whatever light I have in me is fading away. I find myself full of anger, hatred, and what's worst resentment toward the girl who once proclaimed herself my friend. Betrayal isn't something I take lightly but not something I'm unfamiliar with. In the end I have me and I suppose that is what matters. I keep praying that God helps me before I become a hardened person who is full of hate and anger... However, the whole situation wasn't my fault to begin with. I never meant for this to happen nor did I want for it to happen; fact of the matter is it still happened. It is amazing that she was able to simply pretend I didn't exist, as if our entire friendship was useless and meaningless. How does a person just forget months of good times? I despise the ground she walks on and I can't help it. I despise the fact she turned out to be just another cold person who was a manipulator. However, I truly despise the fact that she took what was meant to be a kind act and threw it back into my fact. Is this the life that I am meant to live? Is this God's plan for me? In the end, it doesn't matter anymore. I'm going to live the life I live regardless of the events that partake. I am going to become a better person, I am going to strive for perfection, and not even her betrayal will stop me. I have seen the true face of God and now I have seen the face of the Devil.

The hardest lessons

This week I have learned some rather harsh lessons that I wish I didn't have to learn. I have learned to be a stronger person, I have learned to fight my own inner demons, and sadly enough, I have learned to say goodbye. In my walk in life I have found that I don't tend to keep friends for very long. For whatever reason, I am almost destined to walk alone. The hardest thing about this is it is a lonely path. I want to brief you a bit on what I am talking about. Though the blogs no longer exist, I had hit an all time low this week. I had to say goodbye to somebody I considered a very close friend. Though I had never intended on this happening, sadly it did. She had found out that I liked her and naturally I talked about it in a blog. For comfort reasons, I won't go to deep into that. The overall situation wasn't handled very well on either part. My part being to open and well..... I'll leave it at that as I don't typically point fingers. I went through what could easily be called the worst week of my life. Friday night I hit an all time low and attempted suicide... I know, it takes a lot of depression to hit that level. However, God sent somebody to stop me and I am glad he did. I am now talking to a psychologist who is helping me.

However, this leaves some questions within my mind. Is telling somebody you like them considered that bad of a crime? Does it deem you a horrible person to basically say "I think you have a wonderful personality and would like to get to know you?" I think society and those in it read to much into the little things. I am, once again, alone. Though I have lost a friend by no action of my own, I have gained a few more. Could this be the balance within our lives? I think God works in some of the strangest ways. Sometimes we don't understand why he does what he does or why he places us where he places us, however, I rest assured knowing that whatever is meant to be will be. For better or for worst, at least I gained new friends from this horrible experience.

It is also in our human nature to do harm. Though many can dispute this you must admit that we are born into sin and sinful bodies. Though I never intended on any of this to happen, in the end it still happened. The task at hand is easy and yet so hard. The only thing I can do is simply let go and move on. I pray that she'll come around and realize that I am not, nor ever have been a horrible person.. However, as I stated, we have that human nature and it is a pain in the butt to overcome.

~PAX~

Posts

Some of my blogs have been deleted. It turns out that it made somebody I know very uncomfortable and that was by far never my intention; if that person reads this I openly apologize for that and hope me deleting them will, in some aspect, supply as evidence that I am sorry. Moving on...

I've been awaiting for the Spring session of school... YAY! I don't know if I want to continue taking Choir or not however. Part of me wants to, part of me not so much. Though music is my life, I've always found that poetry and blogging is just as fun; in essence, I'm a natural born writer. Anyways, I completed what I set out to do with this blog and hope for the best. Just for the heck of it, below is a photograph I took. I hope you like it.

About me

So the University I attend had their student mass. For a long time, I felt as if I didn't belong in this world. You know what I mean? I felt as though I were an outcast of society. I wanted to give a brief history about me and who I am if that is okay.

As a child, I grew up in many Christian churches. In my younger years, my parents would drag me to church, spank me because I hated going and would misbehave, and drag me back home. As I got older I began attending church on my own. The first church (where I got my first Girl friend) was a A.O.G Church. I was in the seventh grade and a good friend of mine invited me to go with her; we were practically family due to how close we were. However, I eventually left and quit going all together. After High school, I started going to church again. Her and I began dating once again, and things were going well. I was going to her house one night to propose to her when she told me she wanted to talk.

For you men out there, you KNOW all about the "talk." Needless to say, I left with a ring, no dignity, and cried for nearly three weeks. It was, at this point, I became an Atheist. My reasoning was that no loving God would consistently put me into the hell I was going through. To skip ahead to 2008. I was working at a retail store where I met a lovely young lady. Her and I began dating and things got serious.... Notice a pattern yet? Don't worry, you will. We got engaged and were literally months away from the wedding. One night she comes to my job late. My now ex best friend was with her. Long story short, they were sleeping together. Thinking back on this, it doesn't hurt me as it did now. In fact, I feel nothing but pity for her.

~Originally this blog expanded to discuss who was a close friend of mine. However, she has since proven to me she wasn't who I thought she was. For the sake of comfort, I have removed the ending of this blog.~

A temp ending

Recently I have found myself the victim of a group who enjoys tormenting people on YouTube. Accusations of me being a "cyber-Stalker" who targets young girls was just one of many things they used to deface my reputation; when that got them a lot of attention, they than began dragging my association with the Catholic Church into it. So, why am I writing about this?

I am writing about this because I want to talk about how people enjoy harming one another. you see, I have a profound knack for getting some of the worst friends imaginable. For example, I had a friend who, back in last May, tried to have me arrested for hacking their website... I can't hack and my specialty is in preventive hacking security. Basically, I can prevent hacking, but can't actually hack. I think it's human nature to cause harm. I think there's something inside of us that gets some sort of sick thrill from doing it. Overall, I think it's just sad... But not everybody is like this, however. There are some good people out there. I recently made a blog talking about such a person. I just wish there were more people like her in this world; at least the world would be a better place and not the "hell" that it is now. Anyways, I guess that's all I have to talk about for now.

PAX

Journey to the unknown

So I've decided to join the Catholic church. A rather interesting change considering in my last post I was an Atheist. I guess it goes to show that sometimes people just change. We don't know why or how, but it does happen. I feel that I've found a church that isn't 100% about money. I've never seen them "pass the offering plate." In fact, they never ask for money during their services. They're very open minded as a Religion and I like that. In time I have plans to become a Benedictine Monk; But that's still years away.

9/11

Today is a big day for me. Like so many other unlucky people, I get to remember a dear friend of mine who was murdered on this day. I wish I had some way to cope, somebody to talk to. However, I find that most people don't want to talk about the situation, simply switch topics, or just completely don't care. I wish it were that easy for me- I wish it were that easy for the families and friends who, like me, lost somebody. It's easy to not care when you don't know anybody personally; that is human nature-something that is apart of us all. The one thing I've learned from 9/11 is that it is within our nature to murder, destroy, and to cause as much harm as possible regardless of how it's done. I think today I'm going to relax, go to a special Mass, and pray that Mary will pray for us. I know I was Atheist, but I'm leaning heavily into the Catholic Religion now. I find that it has a sense of comfort and tranquility that I couldn't find elsewhere. In the end, what harm is it to believe in a God even if the Bible is wrong? After all, the Bible was written by man in the way in which they understood the things of their times.