AtonementOnline: Advent

AtonementOnline: Advent

Long day

So the past few days have been interesting. I had to call the police on a cyber stalker that I have, but I finally (I think) took care of it. It's sad that people are so twisted that they have to go out of their way to cause hell for somebody else. I wonder why that is? I guess it is human nature. So I took a bit of a break from my blog. I just felt that I needed some time with my thoughts. However I have decided that I will be going into the priesthood... wish me luck. This is a rather short blog, but I just thought I would get everybody up to speed on what's going on. Peace.

Forgiveness

The hardest thing we can ever do is find that element within ourselves to forgive those who trespass against us. As Christians, we know it's commanded of us to do so however, we often find ourselves feeding the fire. Recently my friends list has been dwindling down a bit. Last week I determined that a friend I had simply wasn't good for me; of course this was no fault of my own. I was helping a girl with a "stalker" issue recently.However I noticed a few issues with the story I had been given; apparently a friend I talked to noticed something was off also. My friend and I (who I shall keep anonymous) was going to help her out with a group of guys who was "giving her trouble." He was a good friend to have since he has a lot of contacts who can financially help since the police here aren't competent to do anything. Our job was to do some ethical hacking (which she knew about and even requested at one point.) However, my friend (who was helping this girl) had PM'd me and told me that he didn't think she was being honest about her situation. He informed me that her mental state toward it wasn't consistent with that of a person who was in fact being stalked. Long story short, I found out the hard way that she was lying. One day at college I had 4 friends tell me at 4 different times that she was telling people that I was stalking her. Without hesitation I removed her from my Facebook friends list; in this type of case, you do that as a safety precaution. I informed my other friend that he was correct and told him what happened... long story short, he sent her a very hateful PM and blocked her. Though I haven't blocked her from my FB page, I don't intend to be her friend after what she did to me. But what does this have to do with forgiveness? In my situation, I could hold a grudge and not forgive her. However, I see that she is clearly not mentally sound and appears to be suffering from delusions that every man is out to get her; probably a result of an abusive childhood... In this case, it's not her fault.

As Christians we often forget that we cannot be forgiven of our sins if we don't forgive others. I recently sent an email to the first girl I talked about... you know, the one I liked... Apologized for anything I may have done wrong. Naturally, she still trashes me (a few people have been kind enough to inform me that she's mentioned my email in a not so nice way.) However, by sending the email, I made a step to mending whatever problem she was having with me therefore relieving myself of any possible guilt; in this case, it's now between her and God. The lessons that can be taken from this post is this:

We sometimes can't help who and what we are. However, we CAN help rather or not we forgive people of their transgressions. By not holding onto hatred, anger, and other negative emotions God can better work in us. However, when we fail to forgive people of their transgressions (accidental or not) or simply refuse to forgive... than God can't use us and we become useless. In my first example, I hold no negative emotions toward the girl because I understand that she can't help her past nor mental state. However, in example 2 that girl can't let go of whatever her problem would be with me and therefore has become useless to God until such time that she can forgive, forget, and in this case even grow up a little. However, in the end we dictate rather or not God can use us... remember, he can't use somebody who holds in hatred, anger, etc. because those emotions fester within us and can eventually turn to hatred. There's nothing wrong with being angry, that isn't a sin. The sin is when we don't act in a mature fashion when angry. For example, gossiping about the person you're mad at and not speaking a word to them. Anyways, I hope this helps whoever so reads it. Feel free to leave comments.

~PAX~

The new day

So today I did my schedule for next semester in college. I have now enrolled for 17 credit hours! Talk about being busy. Last night, I felt that I needed to send an email, so I apologized to an ex friend for anything I may have done. I don't expect much from it, but at least my hands are clean now. Just a final update on that. I've been debating if I want to take Choir or not next semester. I did sign up for it, but not for credit. However, because I'm not taking it for credit, it means I can easily drop it if I don't feel comfortable in it for whatever reason. I guess that's all, Don't have a lot to say this time.

A new start

The past couple of weeks have been very tough. Two people I thought were friends (yep.. now it's two) turned their backs on me. But you know what? I'm not angry about it anymore. I went to a class tonight at the local Perish and I realized I'm not hurting anybody but me by being angry. I pray that God forgives them as he has forgiven me; I pray that they find their way in life even if that means our friendship is done. However, I pray that I still love them in the way Christ would expect me to love them. This is a short blog, but I hope you get something critical from it. =)

A rocky road

The sad thing about life is this: no matter where you go, you'll find that one person who is two faced. I was recently in a dispute with a girl who has chosen to not be my friend anymore. People have asked me what the dispute was about and I had to be honest; I have no idea. I don't typically believe that people are any better than the other. However, in this case my actions compared to hers indicate that I have been better. When she terminated the friendship (which is still essentially a mystery other than the bits and pieces that I have gathered) I was angry. In fact, I was royally pissed. Though part of me is still angry, I'm not really angry at what she did. Now it's the fact she's talking about me behind my back. In the past week I have heard some things that she had apparently said.... Sad thing is, she's supposed to be a Christian. While somebody can say I'm doing the same, in reality I'm not; I am merely observing and critiquing her actions. I hope whatever I did to cause all of this, she'll forgive. However, as of this time, she has yet to inform me of anything that I had done wrong. This weds. I have plans of talking to the monk to inform him I cannot join choir next Semester. Yes, I know she's winning by me doing that. However, sometimes it's best to leave Judas where he stands, as an old friend once told me. The phrase "Sometimes it's best to leave Judas where he stands" is in reference to so called friends who backstab you without any justified reason or any reason that you can comprehend as being justified; I guess you can say Et tu Bruta? applies here. Anyways, I wanted to get that off of my chest and I feel a lot better. This whole situation has been eating at me for a bit now. Peace.

Are we human?

I look into this world and I see a lot of destruction. People getting hurt so needlessly and without justification. I see people who cause damage just for pure enjoyment. These people hurt one another, lie about each other, cheat, steal, manipulate, and even rape and destroy the lives of those around them; we are the greatest evil to ever exist. However, I also the good that is in our world. How is it that a barbaric species such as us manage to show such compassion? I have been contemplating a lot recently. The biggest thing on my mind is the very topic I have talked about in a few blogs. I recently told a girl I liked her and lost a best friend as a result. So I've been looking into humans as a whole and came up with these questions I hope to one day answer.

Transformation

I can almost feel a settle change within me. I started feeling it earlier today but can't explain it other than by this; it seems that whatever light I have in me is fading away. I find myself full of anger, hatred, and what's worst resentment toward the girl who once proclaimed herself my friend. Betrayal isn't something I take lightly but not something I'm unfamiliar with. In the end I have me and I suppose that is what matters. I keep praying that God helps me before I become a hardened person who is full of hate and anger... However, the whole situation wasn't my fault to begin with. I never meant for this to happen nor did I want for it to happen; fact of the matter is it still happened. It is amazing that she was able to simply pretend I didn't exist, as if our entire friendship was useless and meaningless. How does a person just forget months of good times? I despise the ground she walks on and I can't help it. I despise the fact she turned out to be just another cold person who was a manipulator. However, I truly despise the fact that she took what was meant to be a kind act and threw it back into my fact. Is this the life that I am meant to live? Is this God's plan for me? In the end, it doesn't matter anymore. I'm going to live the life I live regardless of the events that partake. I am going to become a better person, I am going to strive for perfection, and not even her betrayal will stop me. I have seen the true face of God and now I have seen the face of the Devil.

The hardest lessons

This week I have learned some rather harsh lessons that I wish I didn't have to learn. I have learned to be a stronger person, I have learned to fight my own inner demons, and sadly enough, I have learned to say goodbye. In my walk in life I have found that I don't tend to keep friends for very long. For whatever reason, I am almost destined to walk alone. The hardest thing about this is it is a lonely path. I want to brief you a bit on what I am talking about. Though the blogs no longer exist, I had hit an all time low this week. I had to say goodbye to somebody I considered a very close friend. Though I had never intended on this happening, sadly it did. She had found out that I liked her and naturally I talked about it in a blog. For comfort reasons, I won't go to deep into that. The overall situation wasn't handled very well on either part. My part being to open and well..... I'll leave it at that as I don't typically point fingers. I went through what could easily be called the worst week of my life. Friday night I hit an all time low and attempted suicide... I know, it takes a lot of depression to hit that level. However, God sent somebody to stop me and I am glad he did. I am now talking to a psychologist who is helping me.

However, this leaves some questions within my mind. Is telling somebody you like them considered that bad of a crime? Does it deem you a horrible person to basically say "I think you have a wonderful personality and would like to get to know you?" I think society and those in it read to much into the little things. I am, once again, alone. Though I have lost a friend by no action of my own, I have gained a few more. Could this be the balance within our lives? I think God works in some of the strangest ways. Sometimes we don't understand why he does what he does or why he places us where he places us, however, I rest assured knowing that whatever is meant to be will be. For better or for worst, at least I gained new friends from this horrible experience.

It is also in our human nature to do harm. Though many can dispute this you must admit that we are born into sin and sinful bodies. Though I never intended on any of this to happen, in the end it still happened. The task at hand is easy and yet so hard. The only thing I can do is simply let go and move on. I pray that she'll come around and realize that I am not, nor ever have been a horrible person.. However, as I stated, we have that human nature and it is a pain in the butt to overcome.

~PAX~

Posts

Some of my blogs have been deleted. It turns out that it made somebody I know very uncomfortable and that was by far never my intention; if that person reads this I openly apologize for that and hope me deleting them will, in some aspect, supply as evidence that I am sorry. Moving on...

I've been awaiting for the Spring session of school... YAY! I don't know if I want to continue taking Choir or not however. Part of me wants to, part of me not so much. Though music is my life, I've always found that poetry and blogging is just as fun; in essence, I'm a natural born writer. Anyways, I completed what I set out to do with this blog and hope for the best. Just for the heck of it, below is a photograph I took. I hope you like it.